This is one of my favorite songs. I can relate to this song on many levels.

Threw you the obvious
And you flew with it on your back
A name in your recollection
Down among a million say…

Difficult not to feel a little bit
Disappointed, and passed over
But I look right through
See you naked by oblivious
And you don’t…see…me…

But I threw you the obvious
Just to see if there’s more behind the
Eyes, of a fallen angel
Eyes of a tragedy

Here I am expecting just a little bit
Too much from the wounded
But I see, see through it all
See through, see you

Cause I threw you the obvious
To see what occurs behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel
Eyes of a tragedy

Oh well…oh well
Apparently nothing
Apparently nothing at all

You don’t, you don’t, you don’t, see me
You don’t see me at all

June 10th, 2010 by Bazutti | No Comments »

Recently I’ve been thinking about different things to do this summer. A conversation I had recently sparked some thought about traveling and doing things even if others don’t want to go along. Concerts, festivals, weekend trips, etc. I’ve come up with a few good ideas but then began to think about planning them. First, I’ll most likely be going to this places solo, so that means really knowing where I’m going and what’s to see/do when I arrive. I’m ok with getting lost so long as another person is around. I am not too fond of getting lost when flying solo. It means finding the motivation to go. I think I’ve come to realize that most of these things I’d like to do, or places I’d like to visit aren’t enough to get my ass moving by themselves. So I began to reflect a bit on what that means and so far I think it means that the thought of visiting these places alone isn’t very exciting. I guess it rolls back around to something I’ve always thought, and that is: the trip is only as good as the company you enjoy while on it. I’m not sure what that says about how much I enjoy (or not) my own company, but I do know that it means most places I’d like to go to with the caveat of going with someone else.

One of the places I discovered was Cherry Springs Park in PA. Look at this picture (http://www.tomeyeonthesky.com/images/WideAngleMilkyWayshots/SummerSky/Cygnus.JPG). That is AMAZING! I want to be able to look up at a sky like that, and apparently this park is what’s known as a “dark sky” location - supposedly one of the best on the east coast. I must get there. This is one place, that I may just go to by myself. It’s about 3-4 (ish) hours away. However, the pictures are stunning so I cannot even imagine the breathtaking feeling one must get when being directly underneath those skies. I think I really will go alone and do some heavy meditation if all else fails.

Speaking of meditation, I really need to go to Columcile again real soon. It’s been quite some time since I have been there and truly do miss the scenery and atmosphere. A good afternoon needs to be spent there. Perhaps I’ll go this Sunday if it’s nice outside. This is another place I can certainly go to solo. It’s only about an hour or so distance from my house, and so incredibly peaceful that I don’t care who’s around or who I’m with. Maybe I’ll just go Sunday even if it’s not that nice out. So long as it’s not a thunderstorm and lightning isn’t crashing down all around me I think I’ll be ok. Hmmm, may need to buy a poncho.

Ireland is another place I’ve been thinking about lately. I think I may be able to pull off a 12 day trip next year. The danger of going by myself is that no one will be around to talk me out of staying there for good! I can always do some group trip type of thing. I mean, if all other avenues are dead ends, I can always do a pub crawl.

Aside from some places to hike, that’s about it for things I’d do solo. It’s a little disheartening. I’m not sure what that really tells me. Does that mean I am just a weak person who can’t do some things independently? I certainly hope not, as I do pride myself on being an emotionally and mentally strong person. Does it mean that I’m really a social butterfly? Eh…I don’t think so. Social butterfly would be a little extreme for me I think. I think there’s deeper meaning to all of these things that I’d like to find one day. I really need to start that anonymous blog.

June 8th, 2010 by Bazutti | No Comments »

So, much has changed in my life. Relationships have ended and new ones have been created. Jobs have been changed, positions have been promoted, and residences have been altered. Good times have been had along with some not so good times. However, one thing I’ve realized is that not once did I say “I hate my life”. As a matter of fact, it’s quite the contrary. I’ve actually grown to love my life more.

A while back, I adopted the mode of thinking that happiness is a choice. I don’t feel that happiness was something that was ever given to me nor taken away from me. It’s really just a state of being or a state of mind. No one’s life is perfect, especially mine, but I wake up every day in a good frame of mind. My outlook on the hours to come is a positive one. There’s no big secret, nothing special happening on a given day. I simply realize that life is much more enjoyable when you are happy, so why not be positive about it?

So over time, I’ve discovered that I really love myself. Not in an ego-centric sort of way, but in a way that I am proud of the person I became in life. I stand by my decisions, past and present, and enjoy the results of those decisions. My family is fantastic! I’m extremely close with my immediate family, and still keep in touch with outlying family members like cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. We are all very supportive of each other and extend a hand to help out whenever possible. My friends fall into that same boat. I consider my close friends an extended part of my family and treat them as brothers. I always know that no matter what situation I am in, if my friends are around, it’s a guaranteed good time.

Despite of all this positive energy, I end up looking down upon myself. You’re reading correctly - I did just say that I love myself. I truly do! Yet at the same time I seem to be disgusted with myself on other levels. I have been eating poorly for about a year, and haven’t stuck to any strict exercise schedule for almost 2 years. I am completely aggravated with the way I look, sometimes I’m downright embarrassed. I also have always over analyzed everything in my life. While sometimes helpful, it’s also a curse. I recently met someone who - for whatever reason at first - has captivated my attention. It’s beyond simple physical appearance. Something else sparked a desire to know them. I’ve just begun to get to know them better, and can say with 100% certainty that this mysterious “something else” exists. Corny and cliche, I know. I’m also very aware that I’m a complete sucker for a woman’s eyes. So I suppose that there’s a chance I’m just under some type of gaze attack ala Interview With a Vampire. So what’s the problem here? Me.

I can’t help but think about the 1.3 million possible combinations of words and their affect on a conversation. And after careful deliberation, once the words are spoken or written, I almost immediately regret ever forming them. Another 0.75 million possible interpretations and outcomes race through my head and I’m left thinking about how much like a fool I must sound. I used to feel confident in my conversation and insight, my unique perspective on things, people, situations, character, personalities…now I’m left guessing whether or not I just offended someone in 10 words or less. What used to be a gift feels like a curse. Once this paranoia set in, I realized that future compliments of wit and charm may be thrown out the window and I’m left with nothing more than my own physical appearance. Given that appears to be about 50 pounds overweight, I’m left with nothing but embarrassment disguised as a half felt smile.

So, while outside aspects of my life seem to be great, it would seem as though my brain has its own civil war going on with no immediate end in sight. Tonight (assuming I have the material, otherwise tomorrow I’ll definitely have it) I’m starting a new exercise routine. I need to get back into the swing of things. While I may have pounds of self confidence in many areas of my life, the one I miss the most is confidence in my appearance and character. I just hope it’s not too late and that I didn’t lose them both permanently.

Regardless of what the future holds, I hope to bring some peace to my mind and get back to the funny, charming, witty and kind person everyone said I was.

June 2nd, 2010 by Bazutti | No Comments »