So, much has changed in my life. Relationships have ended and new ones have been created. Jobs have been changed, positions have been promoted, and residences have been altered. Good times have been had along with some not so good times. However, one thing I’ve realized is that not once did I say “I hate my life”. As a matter of fact, it’s quite the contrary. I’ve actually grown to love my life more.
A while back, I adopted the mode of thinking that happiness is a choice. I don’t feel that happiness was something that was ever given to me nor taken away from me. It’s really just a state of being or a state of mind. No one’s life is perfect, especially mine, but I wake up every day in a good frame of mind. My outlook on the hours to come is a positive one. There’s no big secret, nothing special happening on a given day. I simply realize that life is much more enjoyable when you are happy, so why not be positive about it?
So over time, I’ve discovered that I really love myself. Not in an ego-centric sort of way, but in a way that I am proud of the person I became in life. I stand by my decisions, past and present, and enjoy the results of those decisions. My family is fantastic! I’m extremely close with my immediate family, and still keep in touch with outlying family members like cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. We are all very supportive of each other and extend a hand to help out whenever possible. My friends fall into that same boat. I consider my close friends an extended part of my family and treat them as brothers. I always know that no matter what situation I am in, if my friends are around, it’s a guaranteed good time.
Despite of all this positive energy, I end up looking down upon myself. You’re reading correctly - I did just say that I love myself. I truly do! Yet at the same time I seem to be disgusted with myself on other levels. I have been eating poorly for about a year, and haven’t stuck to any strict exercise schedule for almost 2 years. I am completely aggravated with the way I look, sometimes I’m downright embarrassed. I also have always over analyzed everything in my life. While sometimes helpful, it’s also a curse. I recently met someone who - for whatever reason at first - has captivated my attention. It’s beyond simple physical appearance. Something else sparked a desire to know them. I’ve just begun to get to know them better, and can say with 100% certainty that this mysterious “something else” exists. Corny and cliche, I know. I’m also very aware that I’m a complete sucker for a woman’s eyes. So I suppose that there’s a chance I’m just under some type of gaze attack ala Interview With a Vampire. So what’s the problem here? Me.
I can’t help but think about the 1.3 million possible combinations of words and their affect on a conversation. And after careful deliberation, once the words are spoken or written, I almost immediately regret ever forming them. Another 0.75 million possible interpretations and outcomes race through my head and I’m left thinking about how much like a fool I must sound. I used to feel confident in my conversation and insight, my unique perspective on things, people, situations, character, personalities…now I’m left guessing whether or not I just offended someone in 10 words or less. What used to be a gift feels like a curse. Once this paranoia set in, I realized that future compliments of wit and charm may be thrown out the window and I’m left with nothing more than my own physical appearance. Given that appears to be about 50 pounds overweight, I’m left with nothing but embarrassment disguised as a half felt smile.
So, while outside aspects of my life seem to be great, it would seem as though my brain has its own civil war going on with no immediate end in sight. Tonight (assuming I have the material, otherwise tomorrow I’ll definitely have it) I’m starting a new exercise routine. I need to get back into the swing of things. While I may have pounds of self confidence in many areas of my life, the one I miss the most is confidence in my appearance and character. I just hope it’s not too late and that I didn’t lose them both permanently.
Regardless of what the future holds, I hope to bring some peace to my mind and get back to the funny, charming, witty and kind person everyone said I was.
June 2nd, 2010 by Bazutti | No Comments »